5 Ways to Support an Aging Parent Who Refuses Help

It’s hard for anyone to come to terms with the fact that they’re getting older and in need of help. After all, nobody wants to give up their independence or stop doing the things they used to be able to do with ease.

You may notice your parent or grandparent becoming frail or forgetful, but they will probably get defensive when you try to bring it up. This could be due to frustration with their new limitations, or their fear of losing control over their lives. Whatever your loved one is feeling, they will probably reject the idea that they need help. 

Many people face this challenge as they try to care for their loved ones while respecting their independence. Here are five ways you can support an aging parent who refuses help.

1. Respect loved ones who are growing older.

Many people view aging as a negative and might even have a stigma against the elderly. According to Anne-Marie Botek of AgingCare, “We equate advancing age with a host of undesirable traits, including dependence, forgetfulness, grumpiness, confusion, disengagement, and a lack of productivity.” No wonder we don’t want to admit we’re getting older and need help!

Your parent or grandparent may be a senior citizen now, but they still want others (including you) to treat them like a capable adult. The last thing you want to do is make your loved one feel incompetent or “old.” Make sure you respect their dignity, value, and desire for independence when you discuss helping their find support.

2. Listen to your parent or grandparent.

You should still be on the lookout for any health changes or daily struggles your loved one mentions so you can discuss them. And you can absolutely ask about their physical and emotional well-being. But don’t lecture your loved one about health and safety. They might consider your advice if you actually listen to what they have to say!

Make time to visit your loved one without distractions, or take them to their favorite restaurant or coffee shop. Ask your parent or grandparent about things that interest or matter to them (not just their health). 

Whether they want to talk about their friends, a new recipe they tried, or their favorite TV show, give them your undivided attention. This will help your loved one feel valued, and maybe they’ll open up about anything they’re struggling with.

3. Know how your loved one feels.

Try to put yourself in your parent or grandparent’s shoes. They’re likely feeling a range of emotions: frustrated with their limitations, afraid of losing their independence, and so on. Once you understand how your loved one feels, you can communicate better with them.

For example, let’s say your loved one worries about burdening you with taking them to the doctor’s office. You could say, “I’d love to drive you to your appointment and spend the rest of the day with you.” They’ll be happy to spend quality time with you, and they’ll respond to this better than if you said, “You’re too old to drive!”

Or, what if your parent or grandparent fears the change and loss of control that comes with getting support? As with the previous example, you’ll want to stay away from “You can’t take care of things around the house by yourself anymore.” Instead, you could say, “With just a few hours of help each week, you can still live independently in your own home. And I’d have peace of mind knowing that you’re safe.”

4. Look for little ways to assist them.

Even if they’re getting around well, your parent or grandparent could probably still use a helping hand. This doesn’t have to mean you do everything for them; in fact, that will just frustrate your still-independent loved one!

Instead, ask your parent or grandparent if you can help them with chores and errands for just a few hours each week. This can include folding laundry, dusting hard-to-reach places, driving them to the grocery store, and so on. You’ll be able to not only assist them around the house, but also spend time with your family member.

5. Consider all your options.

Making decisions with your senior loved ones about their living situation is never easy. But just because you’re parent or grandparent is getting older, that doesn’t mean you have to send them to a nursing home or move them in with you. Your loved one may not pose a risk to themselves or others by living at home; they might just need an extra hand around the house.

In-home caregivers can assist your family member with medication reminders, transportation, and more. This lets your loved one live independently at home, even when you can’t be there. By getting the help they need, your loved one will have a better quality of life — not someone who’s going to take over their life.

Many aging parents or grandparents will refuse help at first because they’re scared, or because they don’t want to burden you. These conversations can be stressful and emotional, but they’re important for your loved one’s health and safety.

One of the best things you can do? Reassure your loved one that you want them to get support because you care — not because you want to limit their independence. When your parent or grandparent knows you see them as a person with dignity (not just as a “senior citizen”), they’ll be more likely to hear you out.

Safe-T Home Care is an in-home care agency in Monticello, Indiana. We provide transportation, personal care, and other services so your loved ones can stay safe and independent at home. And our caregivers undergo thorough background checks and training before we pair them with seniors in our community. For more information, visit our website or like us on Facebook.

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